Many men these days are frustrated with dating. They've tried the cold approach—but it rarely works. They’ve asked friends to set them up on dates—but there weren’t any sparks.
They've placed their bets on online dating, and despite getting matches, there still hasn’t been any romantic progress.
One reason is that women, while actively engaging, are hesitant to meet in person.
“She’s probably a scammer.”
“Maybe she’s not interested in me after all. What a waste of time.”
“Why is she even on this dating site if she’s unprepared to meet face-to-face?”
Your sentiments are valid. But let’s look at the other side of the coin, shall we?
There’s no denying the existence of scam artists on dating sites. No matter how secure the platform claims to be, they somehow still find their way in.
You're not wrong to question your match's intentions. We're all aware of the concept of stranger danger.
Our parents have taught us this during childhood, but society has especially emphasized this warning for women.
Cybersecurity advocate Kim Chandler McDonald shared in her LinkedIn post that girls were taught by their parents to only stay with people they trust. As they grew older, the conversation shifted to avoiding shady places, certain behaviors, and even how they dress to minimize harm.
This instilled in them the instinct to assess risks and act with vigilance.
If your match is hesitant to meet you offline, she’s not necessarily a romance scammer; she’s likely just a woman concerned about her safety.
It sounds ironic, doesn’t it?
Meeting in person requires trust and commitment. After all, there’s a certain vulnerability in seeing each other, sharing a space, and being able to read non-verbal cues.
Most women aren’t ready to let down their walls, especially from the get-go. They need time to get to know you. They need to see if you have any red flags and to assess whether you’ll work out in person.
They’re likely interested in you, which is why they want to be sure.
Compared to an in-person meeting, which feels like they’re making a big commitment, the online space allows them the freedom to explore your connection.
If your online interactions with a match are generally positive, over time, she might reconsider the invitation.
Fear is a powerful emotion. It can either be a great motivator or a hindrance. In this case, it’s the latter.
Most women are hesitant to meet in person because they fear disappointment. Their online persona might be different from who they are in reality.
Social psychologist Gwendolyn Seidman says in a Psychology Today article that self-disclosure is often greater online than offline.
“Generally, when we meet strangers online, as opposed to in person, we reveal more about ourselves in terms of both the depth of the disclosure and the breadth of the different topics we discuss,” she explains.
The difference is partly due to the reduced presence of social cues online, allowing people to be less self-conscious about their thoughts and feelings.
Say you asked your match to meet in person. Did she decline your invitation or seem apprehensive about saying yes?
Don’t worry; it’s not the end of the world. You can still turn things around in your favor.
Here’s how:
#1: Respect her decision.
There’s no use forcing or begging her to reconsider. Not only is it counterproductive, but she might also block you for it. You can’t flip the tables if your connection has been cut short.
You need to be patient and work your way to getting her sweet yes.
#2: Listen to her concerns.
Is she concerned about her safety? Does she need more time to get to know you? Is she scared of not meeting your expectations?
Her reasons might not even be on our list. This is where communication comes in. You won’t know how to address the problem if you don’t know where it stems from in the first place.
#3: Reassure her.
Make your match comfortable by allowing her to accept your invitation on her terms. Tell her you’d like to get to know her better in person, but allow her to decide on the specifics, like where and when she’d like to meet.
This semblance of control can give her the reassurance she needs to reconsider.
#4: Build trust.
If she’s unsure now, take this opportunity to get to know each other better. Continue your online communication and go beyond small talk. Show interest in her day-to-day happenings and encourage openness by sharing your own experiences.
Over time, this builds trust, which might be what she needs to agree to meet up.
#5: Schedule a phone call before your in-person meeting.
If she doesn’t want to meet up with you just yet, suggest a compromise. A phone call can serve as preparation for your first date and in turn prepare her for the real deal.
It’s like a preliminary assessment. It simulates face-to-face interaction, which might pique her curiosity and make her want to meet in person. All the better if she enjoys your call.
This can benefit you too. It can boost your confidence, affirm your choices, and allow you to sort your priorities.
If you want to take it up a notch, you can ask her to go on a video call with you. You'll be able to hear each other’s voices and see each other’s facial expressions and gestures.
It can be frustrating if your match is hesitant to meet you offline. It feels like you’ve wasted your time.
But remember that dating doesn’t come with instantaneous results. Moreover, dating platforms and matchmakers can only help you forge connections. Ultimately, you would need to do the work.
Hesitance isn’t rejection; it’s a sign that you still need to build on your connection. If, despite giving it your best, it’s clear that she’s just keeping you on the hook, you’re free to disengage.
References:
McDonald, Kim Chandler. 2024. “Why Women Have a Natural Propensity for Online Vigilance—and What Cybersecurity Can Learn From It.” LinkedIn.
https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/why-women-have-natural-propensity-online-vigilanceand-mcdonald-g1vac#:~:text=Women's%20heightened%20awareness%20of%20safety%2C%20often%20born,and%20implicitly%E2%80%94to%20be%20vigilant%20about%20their%20safety.
Seidman, Gwendolyn, Ph.D. 2014. “Do We Reveal More in Person or on Our Electronic Devices?” Psychology Today.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/close-encounters/201409/do-we-reveal-more-in-person-or-on-our-electronic-devices.
