Escaping a Narcissistic Relationship: A Survival Guide

Looking into the future, what’s the hardest thing you think you’ll ever do?

For some, it can be a career change or starting a small business. Meanwhile, you may be in a narcissistic relationship and finding it hard to leave your partner.

Resistance can seem futile as you’re exhausted from battling against multiple manipulative tactics.

Despite what looks like an impossible escape mission, however, walking away from the relationship is possible.

For starters, here’s what you need to do.

Recognize the Abuse

According to research, there are 21 stages of a narcissistic relationship.

During the first five stages, the narcissist begins their master plan of control by pushing you into defeat.

Like an intelligence analyst, they gather information that they can use against you, such as your insecurities, fears, and desires.

They then try to get you to lower your guard by deceiving you into thinking that they could do no harm.

They’ll love bomb you with compliments, reassurance, and extravagant efforts, as well as mirror your interests and morals.

Afterwards, they’ll lead you into a push and pull pattern wherein they make you question your self-worth and then show up as the savior who can help you rebuild it.

As the cycle continues, you’re now manipulated into thinking that you need them to thrive.

By this time, they have already established themselves as the center of your world, allowing them to take advantage of your time, energy, and other resources.

However, nothing can ever satisfy a narcissist, and if you’re not mindful, you’ll always end up being defeated.

After going through the first few stages, you’re bound to fall further into their control.

You do things not for your sake and your happiness in the relationship, but because they asked you to.

You may have tried to resist and call them out for their abusive behavior. But narcissists see no fault in themselves. Instead of taking responsibility for the harm they’ve caused, they put the blame on you.

When dealing with a narcissist, keep in mind that your arguments and their dissatisfaction are not your fault.

Recognize that not everyone is capable of love and that unfortunately, you were only used to boost their ego.

Moreover, accept that you’ve been trapped in an abusive relationship and that you need to escape it to prevent further harm to your overall well-being.

That way, you’ll have more conviction to leave and lessen the chances of staying in a narcissistic relationship.

Plan Your Independence

Before telling your narcissistic partner that you’re leaving, plan on how you can take back your independence.

For example, if you’re living together, slowly secure physical and digital copies of your legal and financial documents, such as government IDs, bank details, and proof of address.

Then, ask family or friends if you can stay with them for a while. If not, try looking for cheap apartments.

Once you have your documents in order and a place to go, slowly move your things out of your shared space.

Ignore Their Attempts to Reconnect

Do narcissists repeat patterns in relationships?

Yes, they do. What’s more is that their abusive patterns don’t stop even after you tell them that you’re leaving.

This becomes a critical hit to their ego. Whether you stay together or not, the decision should be based on their terms.

This means that if they’ve heavily invested control over you, they’ll try to regain their hold.

To successfully escape the relationship, try to see past their attempts of saying sorry. A narcissist’s apology will usually sound something like,

“I’m sorry if you took it the wrong way.”

“I apologize, but I only acted that way because you provoked me.”

“I’m sorry, but I did what I had to do given the circumstances.”

Notice how they don’t come across as genuine because they try to add excuses or attempt to make it sound like it’s somehow your fault.

Moreover, cut off communication with them after calling things off.

Block them on your social media accounts and log them out of any devices that they have access to.

Don’t give them a chance to tell you their sob story.

Tell your family and friends about your decision to leave the relationship. That way, they won’t be able to provide your narcissistic ex with any updates on your whereabouts.

You can also take extra precautions by not going to places that they know you frequent.

Get Rid of Anything That Reminds You of Your Narcissistic Relationship

How long does a narcissistic relationship last?

For some, it only lasts a few weeks or months. Meanwhile, for others, it may take years.

This is because an abusive relationship doesn’t simply end with a change of your relationship status.

It ends when you don’t slip back into thinking that your relationship “wasn’t as bad” or questioning whether your decision to leave was right.

To do this, try to get rid of anything that would remind you of your narcissistic partner, such as photos and gifts.

Seek Professional Help

After making such a tough decision, don’t hesitate to seek help from professionals. You can talk to them about your experience and get advice on how to manage your emotions.

As you do, remember that healing from the abuse takes time. Don’t feel pressured to be okay and simply try to do things at your own pace.

How Dating a Narcissist Changes You

Being with a narcissist can change how you perceive yourself and relationships.

For example, once you’re out of the relationship, you may feel like you’re unable to make the right decisions.

You’ve spent most of your time being dependent on them and now you lack the confidence to control the flow of your own life.

Moreover, you may also have a distorted sense of self.

With your self-worth destroyed by the narcissist repetitively, you may begin to feel insecure about your physical features and capabilities.

You may also have difficulty discerning other people’s intentions towards you, wondering whether they’re genuinely interested or they’re love-bombing you as your previous partner did.

How to Have a Healthy Relationship After Narcissistic Abuse

With these troubling thoughts and feelings, it may feel like getting into a healthy relationship is not meant to be part of your life.

However, it is possible. If you’re ready and thinking about entering a new relationship, consider the following factors.

Work on Rebuilding Your Self-Worth

Have you ever been told that you need to love yourself first before loving another person?

This is to prevent yourself from questioning your worth in the eyes of your partner.

Are they content with me until someone better comes along?

Will they leave if I disagree with their opinions?

While they are seemingly harmless, these doubts can undermine your partner’s affection, making them feel like they must constantly prove themselves.

Moreover, it can drive you to overexert your efforts in the relationship, putting your partner’s needs above your own. Even then, you’ll still feel unfulfilled.

That being said, focus on rebuilding your self-worth before entering a new relationship.

Ask your family and friends about your strengths and practice affirming those qualities to yourself every day.

Also, learn when to say no. Rediscover the importance of prioritizing your own needs.

It could be turning down a colleague’s request to cover their shift or declining an invitation for coffee with a friend.

Avoid Comparing Your Partner to Your Narcissistic Ex

Your current partner is not your ex.

One of the effects of narcissistic abuse on future relationships is that you may associate your current partner’s behavior with your ex’s behavior.

For instance, if your partner expresses that they don’t like it when you hang out with a certain friend group, you may misinterpret their concern as an attempt to isolate you from your support system, similar to what your ex did.

As a result, you might feel triggered or even lash out at them. However, give your partner a chance.

Listen to their reasons. Observe how they’re communicating with you, their efforts to improve the relationship, and whether their words align with their actions.

Use these observations to determine whether your partner is being reasonable or not.

Set Boundaries

During your healing process, reflect on your past to discover the lessons you can apply to yourself and your future relationships.

For instance, when in a relationship with a narcissist, it’s typical for them to make decisions without considering your opinions or feelings.

In your next relationship, ensure that your autonomy is respected. Tell your partner that decisions involving both of you should be made together.

There may have been a lack of communication in your previous relationship, so learn to convey the importance of openness and honesty to your current partner.

If possible, designate a day each month to check in with each other, where you can discuss your thoughts, feelings, and relationship concerns. You can also establish communication ground rules, such as active listening, refraining from yelling and name-calling, and avoiding judgment and belittlement.

Also, agree to acknowledge each other’s faults during arguments and take responsibility for your mistakes. Never end the day with any lingering feelings of anger or resentment.

Surviving the Abuse

Your narcissistic partner may try to tie you down by convincing you that you’re worthless without them.

However, your worth does not depend on their opinions or the perceptions of others. Also, do your best to move forward with your life. Pursue things that will help you heal and find happiness.

Don’t entertain thoughts about your narcissistic ex. What a narcissist does at the end of a relationship is none of your concern. Focus on your own healing.

This general survival guide should give you a good idea of how to escape a narcissistic relationship. Then again, consider your circumstances and remember to seek professional help and support from loved ones so that you can make informed decisions as you move forward.